Understanding Attachment Styles in Relationships
The Research
Attachment theory and subsequent attachment styles in relationships all originated from a psychoanalyst named Bowlby who studied the interactions between infants and their parents as he hypothesised that the way infants respond when separated from their parents was actually an evolutionary mechanism designed for survival. Research showed that when placed in an unfamiliar environment and separated then reunited with their parents, children respond in 3 very distinct ways; secure, anxious, or avoidant. Later research also determined a 4th way, disorganised for those children who were a little less predictable.
What we have learned is that these patterns of behaviour, aimed at survival as children, stay with us. As we learn to navigate relationships in our older years, these early experiences form a template for how we understand relationships to work. Our responses can be quite automatic, and we can sometimes wonder why other people have such different reactions in their relationships to us. One of the reasons this may be is that we have different attachment styles. They may be an explanation for the patterns of behaviour in our love life and relationships.
What are the 4 relationship attachment styles?
There are 4 different attachment styles that will impact on how we are in our adult relationships (that have been informed from our early life relationships);
Secure attachment style
Those with a secure attachment style are comfortable both on their own and within a close relationship. They usually cultivate a healthy level of independence and dependence and tend to have a positive view of themselves without fear of being on their own.
Avoidant attachment style
Those with an avoidant attachment style are more comfortable when they are on their own, they can feel uncomfortable and overwhelmed when in a close intimate relationship, and highly value space and independence. They may find themselves avoiding connection, not necessarily in the context of physical intimacy but likely emotional intimacy.
Anxious attachment style
Those with an anxious attachment style will often feel, you guessed it. “anxious” in our relationships, we can feel uncomfortable or even distressed when we are not around them, want to always be close, and to have a high level of reassurance with a strong fear of abandonment.
Disorganised attachment style
Those with a disorganised attachment style pendulate between anxious and avoidant. That means they often feel uncomfortable with emotional closeness and also can feel very distressed by being on their own, this can lead to a push and pull between the two. This tends to lead to instability in relationships with a high emotional charge in interactions.
Avoidant, Disorganised and Anxious attachment styles in relationships are considered to be insecure attachment styles.
How do I know my partner’s attachment style?
One of the ways we can learn to better understand our partners is to reflect and observe what their attachment styles may be. This can help us to understand their needs, understand why they may be responding the way that they are, and to see how their attachment style may be interacting with your own, and whether this is something you guys are willing to work on, or if you feel it is better to go your separate ways (This is not relationship advice, just an opinion).
If you read through the attachment styles in the relationships above, you would probably have seen some indicators. However, I will pop some down here too, just in case it is still not super clear…
Secure attachment style
- Has their own hobbies and interests but is also willing and happy to do some things together as well
- Comfortable spending time with their own friends and family without you, and also comfortable with you doing the same
- Is open and honest about how they are feeling, however, demonstrates consideration on how you are also feeling
- Communicates well, even when in conflict with you
- Doesn’t have fears around commitment or plays games
- Reliable and consistent
Avoidant attachment style
- Focused on what they want to do all the time, with little to no interest in what you may want to do together
- Very comfortable spending time apart from you
- Guarded and closed off from sharing their feelings
- Doesn’t communicate how they feel well if at all, can be left “feeling in the dark” or confused
- Doesn’t put a lot of value on the relationship, can act like they’re better off on their own
Anxious attachment style
- Incredibly uncomfortable when you are spending time apart, wants to be around you all the time
- May people please and avoid conflict to try and keep the relationship
- May seek reassurance a lot
- Shows a fear of abandonment and rejection
- Put a very high value on the relationship above all else
- Worries about what they might do to ruin the relationship
- Makes things about themselves a lot
Disorganised attachment style
- As said before those with this attachment style appear to move from anxious to avoidant, this can feel like you are being pulled in close, and then pushed away
- We often see the disorganised attachment style in domestic violent relationships
Awareness promotes understanding, which allows us to be in the position to make desired changes. When we understand ourselves and those we are in a relationship with better we can navigate the challenges that life and relationships throw at us more confidently.
Author: Samantha Sheppard, B Psych (Hons).
Samantha is a registered psychologist with experience working with children and adolescents (and their families), young adults and adults. Samantha empowers others with their mental health using a non-judgmental, compassionate approach and particularly resonates with the social and emotional wellbeing framework.
To make an appointment with Samantha Sheppard try Online Booking. Alternatively, you can call M1 Psychology Loganholme on (07) 3067 9129.
