People are multi-layered beings who have many ways to connect with one another: on physical, mental, emotional and spiritual levels. Many people, however, have trouble with developing deeper emotional connections with others, any may remain on the physical and practical levels only (i.e partners who share only sexual connection/friends who only offer practical support). There is nothing wrong with that, it is just that people in such relationships may potentially miss on other levels of connection that may make the relationship even stronger, more meaningful and rewarding.
On the other hand, for some, it may be exactly what they need at that point in time. Therefore, when talking about deeper emotional connections, it is not about right or wrong/better or worse, it is about what is right for each person/couple in that point in time.
So, if you ever thought about the need or desire for developing deeper connection in your relationship, here are a few ideas.
Know Yourself
When we want to connect with people on deeper levels, we must start with ourselves. We have to get to know ourselves on deeper levels first. We want to get to know our inner world better before diving into or enquiring about inner worlds of our loved ones. We want to start with getting to know our own thoughts, ideas and emotions so we have the language to talk about these things with others.
It is up to each person how deep they go. A good way to start is asking ourselves each day: “how am I going? How am I feeling? How are things affecting me? Try to elaborate on your answers and make connections between your life circumstances, environment, available supports, stresses and your feelings, coping mechanisms and thoughts.
(Note: some people may benefit from or even require professional assistance, especially if they have experience with trauma, neurodevelopmental conditions or mental health issues).
Learn to be Vulnerable
The basis of all emotional connections is vulnerability. A lot of research has been done about vulnerability and mental health benefits (see books and research by Brene Brown). Being able to open up to close, and safe, people about our deeper feelings such as fears, doubts, sadness, regrets and hurts, has been linked to stronger, longer and more rewarding relationships. Many of us have been conditioned to believe that vulnerability= weakness. We know now that this is not so. We therefore need to unlearn and re-learn what it means to be vulnerable, its benefits in our live and how to do it properly to rip the rewards in our relationships (see books/ted Talks by Brene Brown for ideas)
Create Open, Non-judgmental Environment
It is very important for both people to feel safe when opening up about their feelings and emotions. Therefore, avoid judgment and criticism. Choose the right time for such conversations which are free from distractions, stresses and conflicting agendas.
Practice!
Connecting to people takes initiative, courage and commitment to having a go and keeping at it. We all know that relationships require work and constant attending to. It is a choice we make every day. This also applies for getting out of our comfort zone and developing deeper emotional connections with our loved ones. Like always, we start small, do our research, face our fears (that will definitely come up each time you step out of your comfort zone) then having a go at a new behaviour/communication about deeper, emotional matters.
You can initiate new conversations with your loved by sharing small bits about your feelings and emotions. See how it makes you feel, how it makes your partner feel, how the whole interaction go? Ask same questions of your loved one: how are they going? feeling? Perceiving certain important areas of life?
(Note: some couples may benefit or require professional support of family counsellor/therapist who can assist in initial stages of this new communication and offer guidance, depending on the dynamic of relationship and past experiences and traumas)
Use Whole World Analogy
If you find it hard to know what to talk about or ask your loved one to create the deeper emotional connection, you can try using the ‘whole world analogy’. See the person’s inner world as the external world- planet earth. Be a traveller and explorer who visits the different countries, cultures and natural habitats with respect and curiosity. Enquire about the different parts of your loved one’s world: Countries: their beliefs and definitions about different life areas; Weather/Climate: their feelings and emotions; Oceans/Rivers: their thoughts and perceptions etc.
You may find a conflict of interest between different parts of your loved one, like clash of values or lack of clarity “On one hand I want/feel X, but on the other hand…”. This is natural and could be related to the political matters and conflicts between nations (to use our world analogy). So be a safe, curious and respectful explorer of both your inner world and worlds of others.
Author: Ilana Gorovoy, B.Arts (Psych), B. Arts (Hons.)(Psychology), MPsych (Couns.)
With a Master’s in Counselling, Brisbane Psychologist Ilana Gorovoy draws on therapeutic approaches such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, Existential and Strengths-based approaches, Person-Centred and Positive Psychology, to assist her clients to become conscious of their strengths and difficulties, design and reach their goals, live a life of meaning and purpose, and reach their full potential.
To make an appointment with Brisbane Psychologist Ilana Gorovoy, try Online Booking Alternatively, you can call M1 Psychology on (07) 3088 5422.