Relationship Red Lights

Relationship Red Lights – Coercive Control.

Coercive control is a range of controlling and manipulative behaviours within a relationship (7). Coercive control is experienced in different ways in different class and culture contexts. Persons who were victims of coercive control described that they were constantly walking on eggshells and felt they had to ask permission if they wanted to do anything, they also felt scared of the consequences they will suffer if they do not fulfill the expectations of their partner. Coercive control can be explained as behaviour to control and dominate another person (6).

The aim of this behaviour is to make a person dependant by isolating them from family and friends, exploiting them and to deprive them of independence and to regulate their everyday behaviour (8). The abuser will control their partner with finances, they use threats and intimidation as well as emotional and psychological abuse (5).

Is coercive control illegal in Queensland?

Because of the intensive inquiries into the deaths of victims of domestic violence relationships, the laws surrounding domestic violence will get harder at the end of 2023 in Queensland. The new coercive control laws will state that a person who repeatedly subject their spouse or partner to physical, sexual, psychological, or financial abuse may face up to 7 years jail time. Law enforcement officers will be trained extensively to ensure that they can identify and investigate acts of coercive control (6).

How do you know you are in a coercive relationship?

Your partner of spouse is isolating you from your support system (family and friends).
Your activity throughout the day is monitored, this can include your online activities and using spyware.
Your freedom and autonomy are taken away from you.
You experience gaslighting. Gaslighting is when a person manipulates another person over an extended period of time to let the victim question the validity of their own thoughts, reality perception and memories. The goal is to let the victim become confused, lose their self-confidence, and let them question their own mental and emotional stability (3).
Name calling and being put down on a regular basis. Saying you are worthless and they have a problem with everything you do.
Limited access to money (1).
Traditional gender roles are being reinforced. Expects you to do all the housework and cooking and do not help with these activities in the home.
Your kids are turned against you. Either to treat you badly or take part in the abuse.
Your spouse or partner takes control, of aspects related to your body and your health. Example your hairstyle, clothes you wear and foods you eat etc.
Making jealous accusations.
Threatening your children and pets (4).
Humiliating, degrading, or dehumanising you.
Depriving you of basic needs such as food.
Depriving you access to support services such as medical services (8).

What personality type uses coercive control?

Controlling behaviour is the most common sign of a person who has narcissistic personality disorder (2).

How can a counsellor help?

Counselling gives you a safe and confidential place to discuss your feelings and concerns.
The counsellor can help you to explore how you have been affected by the experience. The counsellor can help you to understand and deal with the feelings, issues and problems that rose from your experience.
The counsellor can help you to create a safety plan if you are still in the relationship. The safety plan may include a list of people to contact if you feel unsafe, places to go when you need to get away from your partner and what you need in an emergency bag in case you need to leave fast.
They can help you to get connected with organisations to help you if you want to leave the relationship, this includes crisis accommodation and legal assistance.
You can talk to the counsellor they will not judge you.
They will help to motivate you and build up your self-esteem.

Abuse is not ok. Nothing you have done is reason to be abused by anyone. If you are in an abusive relationship or knows someone who is, take the step to reach out help is available.

Author: Corey Human, B Th (Hons), M Counselling, Dip Youth Work, Dip Youth Justice, Dip Couns, Dip Pentecostal Theology, Dip Ministry. Member of PACFA and CCAA.

Corey Human has nearly 20 years’ experience working with teenagers and young people at risk, or struggling with self esteem, depression, video game addiction and other problems. He provides counselling to adolescents, adults, couples, parents and families in both English and Afrikaans.

To make an appointment try Online Booking. Alternatively, you can call M1 Psychology Brisbane on (07) 3067 9129

References

Allerhand, R., Coercive Control Checklist: 14 Signs your partner is trying to control you. https://www.netdoctor.co.uk/healthy-living/a26582123/coercive-control/
Barton Family Lawyers, 2022, 10 Warning Signs of Narcissistic Abuse Revealed, https://bartonfamilylaw.com.au
Krueger, H. 2023, What is gaslighting? 8 signs you are being gaslit. https://www.dailyom.com/journal/what-is-gaslighting-signs-you-might-be-being-gaslit
Lamothe, C. 2019, How to recognize coercive control, https://www.healthline.com/health/coercive-control
McNamara Law, Domestic Violence, Real Legal help. https://dfvbenchbook.aija.org.au/terminology/coercive-control/
National Domestic and Family Violence Bench Book, Coercive Control, https://dfvbenchbook.aija.org.au/terminology/coercive-control/
Relationships Australia Victoria, what is coercive control. https://www.relationshipsvictoria.org.au/news/what-is-coercive-control/
Woman’s aid, What is coercive control? https://dfvbenchbook.aija.org.au/terminology/coercive-control/