For adults with ADHD and autistic traits, relational capacity isn’t about being perfect or endlessly patient. It’s about creating conditions where connection can happen more often — and repairing when it doesn’t.
1. Work with your nervous system first (connection starts there)
When your nervous system feels overloaded, relational capacity shrinks — this isn’t a failure, it’s biology.
• Notice early signs of overwhelm (irritability, shutting down, urgency to escape)
• Take micro-regulation breaks before engaging (2 to 5 minutes of breathing, movement, or quiet)
• Let your family know when you need a short pause rather than pushing through
• Remind yourself: “I can reconnect once my nervous system settles.” Calm doesn’t come from effort — it comes from support.
2. Lower the bar for “quality connection”
Connection doesn’t have to look deep or verbal to matter.
• Aim for short, predictable moments rather than long emotional conversations
• Sit alongside rather than face-to-face if that feels easier
• Share an activity instead of talk (gaming, cooking, walking, fixing something)
• Remember: consistency often matters more than intensity
Small, repeated moments build trust—especially with children.
3. Use structure to support relationships (not restrict them)
Structure isn’t cold — it’s containing and relationally protective.
• Set clear routines and rituals for family time (e.g., Friday pizza night, 10 minutes before bed to talk about the day or name 3 things each is grateful for)
• Use reminders or visual cues to prompt check-ins
• Agree on boundaries around timing and transitions to reduce friction
• Pre-plan difficult moments (e.g., mornings, bedtime)
Structure frees up emotional energy for connection
4. Name your inner experience (without over-explaining)
Emotional transparency builds safety — even when emotions are messy.
• Use simple language:
– “I’m feeling overloaded and need a moment.”
– “I got distracted, but I care about this.”
• Avoid long justifications — clarity is kinder than explanation
• Model repair when you miss something
This teaches children that emotions can be named, held, and repaired.
5. Separate intention from impact — without self-blame
You can care deeply and still miss cues. Both can be true.
• Acknowledge impact without falling into guilt
– “I didn’t mean to disconnect, and I can see it mattered.”
• Practice repair over perfection
• Let go of the idea that needing adjustment means you’re failing
Repair is where relational safety grows
6. Protect your energy so you have something to give
Relational capacity is finite — especially with ADHD and ASD.
• Schedule recovery time after social or emotional demands
• Notice which interactions drain vs nourish you
• Make sensory needs explicit (noise, touch, transitions)
• Consider reducing expectations — not connection
You can’t pour from an empty nervous system
7. Learn your child’s/partner’s — and your own — love language
Connection styles differ, especially in neurodiverse families.
• Some kids connect through play, others through parallel presence
• Some adults connect through problem-solving, others through shared quiet
• Ask directly: “What helps you feel close?”
• Share what helps you feel connected, too
Connection improves when it’s customised.
8. Use curiosity instead of urgency
When things go wrong, slow the moment rather than fixing it.
• Pause before responding
• Ask: “What might they be needing right now?”
• Assume unmet need, not defiance
• Give yourself permission to revisit the moment later
Urgency shuts connection down; curiosity opens it
9. Accept that capacity fluctuates (and that’s okay)
Some days you’ll have more to give — other days less.
• Notice patterns around sleep, stress, workload, sensory load
• Adjust expectations accordingly
• Tell your family when it’s a “low capacity day”
• Plan low-demand ways of staying connected
Capacity is dynamic, not a character trait.
Remember that effort ≠ capacity. You may be trying very hard and still find that, in certain moments, you don’t have the capacity for relational engagement or emotional attunement with your loved ones. This is not a reflection of your care, commitment, or character.
10. A gentle reframe to hold onto
“Connection doesn’t require me to be different.
It requires me to be supported — and honest about what I can offer.
To make an appointment with Brisbane Psychologist Ilana Gorovoy, try Online Booking Alternatively, you can call M1 Psychology on (07) 3067 9129.